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Limerence - romantic love's darker cousin
What it is, how it can get in the way, and how Hypnotherapy can help. Love. It’s great, isn’t it? Those first butterflies when meeting someone with whom you really vibe, the excitement of an unexpected meeting, or the nervous anticipation of that first date … first kiss. Then the passion, that wonderful bubble when all you can think about is your new partner … before things settle into something calmer, where shared values, trust, and mutual support become key. … we’ve all seen those films, heard the songs, right? They tend to end at the ‘happy ever after’ stage without examining what makes for a good relationship in the long term, of course. But what happens when things aren’t like that? Perhaps, despite your strong attraction, the other person isn’t interested, or is already involved with someone else, or you don’t actually know them, but have seen them on the TV, or YouTube. For whatever reason, your ‘crush’ isn’t available to you, but that doesn’t stop that obsessive, yearning desire getting in the way of moving forward in life, finding someone who CAN meet your needs. What’s going on? Let me introduce you to romantic love’s slightly darker cousin, limerence. Limerence is very similar to romantic love, echoing its addictive nature, however when our romantic attraction isn’t reciprocated for whatever reason, limerence just won’t go away. Where usually we might expect to feel sad, or rejected for a while, but eventually be able to move on, a little older and wiser, limerence stays stuck in that uncomfortable obsessed stage. Our feelings around the person, or ‘limerent object’, become idealised, failing to notice the less-than-perfect aspects of their personality. Our thoughts become obsessive and repetitive, and our resultant fantasies get in the way of our enjoying life as it is. If we are in contact with the limerent object we can overanalyse every interaction, feeling euphoric when we feel our attention is welcome, or crushed when it is not. In extreme cases it can lead to unacceptable behaviour like stalking. Why do we become limerent? Well, like a lot of challenges in life, the causes for limerence are probably as diverse as all the different people who experience it. Often there’s a background of not having our emotional needs met in childhood, traumatic events, or a mix of psychological issues leading to an insecure attachment style. Add to that a lively imagination, and the scene is set. Limerence is very common, but can have a devastating impact on our wellbeing. If unchecked, limerence can impact many areas of life. Most obviously it can interfere with us finding positive, nourishing connections. It can damage our existing relationships. Those intrusive thoughts can also interfere with our ability to focus, which can affect our working lives and our ability to find fulfilment elsewhere. What can we do? Of course, going ‘cold turkey’ is an option. However, where once this would be as easy as knocking their details out of our telephone book, these days things are rather trickier. We can unfollow on social media, but limerence is powered by a neurotransmitter called dopamine, and that is a very difficult beast to fight when you’re feeling lonely late at night (go on, check their profile again, they might have posted something new …). What about that random WhatsApp group that you need to be a member of, but they’re an active participant? Do you work with your limerent object or have mutual connections, so can’t avoid seeing them regularly? We can focus on their feet of clay, reminding ourselves that there is no such thing as a perfect partner, however hard we desire that to be. These solutions rely strongly on our willpower, however, and willpower resides in a place in the brain which tires easily. See my article Not another New Year, New You Post (Phew) for more details. So … how can we move on? How can Hypnotherapy help? Well, I offer Solution Focused Hypnotherapy, a holistic approach that recognises we have the resources we need to solve what’s getting in the way for us, and that the solution that best suits us is the solution that’s going to work – not a ‘one size fits all’ method. It’s much easier to change our habits to something more positive than simply to try to stop doing something. So, by focusing on how we’d like to be spending our time, instead of wasting our lives obsessing over someone not available, we can begin rewiring our brain to notice other opportunities for fulfilment, letting the old unhelpful obsessions fade away. Solution Focused Hypnotherapy can also help us recognise our strengths and resources – those hard-earned lessons of our past that can help us build resilience, develop perspective, and recognise our worth for the future. While Solution Focused Hypnotherapy focuses on the positive, please be assured that I am very averse to toxic positivity. No invalidating attitudes or brightsiding in my therapy sessions! We’ll work from where you are right now, finding ways that work for you to leave unhealthy obsessions in the past and work towards a freer future. Check out Wellbeing Tips for hints on how to feel better now. Check out Snippets for more information on Solution Focused Hypnotherapy. Contact me for help and support. |
