Do I need therapy?
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Like any serious therapist, I have no idea.
We all go through challenging times, and many of us consider therapy. Popular stereotypes and our beliefs around seeking professional support might not help that process, so this post is aimed at helping you make an informed choice. So, tell me about your mother … We’ve all seen them, flickering across our screens or poking their heads round the pages of novels, ticking the ‘half-moon steel specs and tweed suit’ boxes, omniscient from the get-go. Either they absorb our pain, mute yet nodding sagely, or probe the sorest parts of our soul, pronouncing our failures and excising our trauma in sobbing catharsis. These fictional therapists often have lives in freefall – either hidden behind their calm demeanour, or actively messing up their practice. Feel like therapy now? No, me neither. Perhaps those ‘shrinks’ do still exist. I’ve never met one. Thick, but nosy Any therapist worth their salt knows – that they don’t know anything. About you, your situation, the experiences that led you to your current state. We may have seen six other clients in the past month who open with the same stated problem, we may have found a way through a similar issue ourselves (never trust a therapist that will have you believe their feet are anything but clay), but we don’t assume anything. What we are, is endlessly curious. Nosy, if you will. We’ll give you the space you need to say what you need to say, in the way you need to say it. We’re active listeners, though. We’ll ask questions along the way to clarify our understanding and help you get perspective on what you need. What’s also key is that we don’t have any answers, but don’t let that put you off. The solutions that will work best for you will be the ones that you’ve discovered yourself, that work with your circumstances, your beliefs, your strengths and resources. The only person who can discover that is – you, supported by your therapist as coach and cheerleader. Why should I pay someone to listen to me when I’ve got friends, family or a partner to do that? Why indeed. Well, with the right therapist, the relationship is intense, but professional. You can say whatever you need, free of any requirement to be cautious or tactful, free from any worry of leaks or repercussions. Nobody’s feelings are going to be hurt. You can also trust in impartiality, and an absolute focus on your best interests. Do you have a friend who will listen, but catastrophise? Or one who will offer advice whether you ask for it or not, based on their life experience rather than your circumstances? How about the ones who use your opening up as an excuse to turn attention to their woes? Or those whose every sentence starts with 'if I were you ...', but they're not us, and don't understand how unhelpful that can be? Does a parent sympathise, then offer suggestions biased towards their best hopes for you rather than your own? Can you talk to your partner about your deepest fears and frustrations, and trust they’ll always support you? Some people might appear to be on our side, while really pushing an agenda that ensures their preferences are prioritised, or ‘keep score’ to use in power plays later on, or just not be comfortable with conversations that go beyond the safe or superficial (no judgement, we’re all doing the best we can with what we have). Therapy is a safe space to focus on you, and nothing but you. I know what my past did to me, I’m tough, therapy’s for losers and navel-gazers … or perhaps taking a long, non-judgemental look at yourself might just seem too scary right now. Adversity teaches us survival skills that can become hard wired, persisting long after our circumstances have changed. We can become people pleasers, or perfectionists, or wary of commitment. These tactics helped us at some point but they’re no longer ‘fit for purpose’, and using the tools you’ve always used will give you the results you always get. Good therapy offers the space to gain perspective on how you react to life’s curve balls, and an opportunity to consider what behaviour might serve you better. No diagnoses or damnation, but practical, person-centred support to make the changes that will give you better outcomes. I’m not sure I want to relive all that stuff I went through, thanks You don’t have to, but it’s important to find the type of therapy that works best for you. Some therapies are problem-focused, and some are solution-focused, which is what I offer. Being solution-focused means that we won’t spend time re-traumatising you by digging up old painful memories. Instead we’ll focus on what skills and resources your life experience has given you, to find a practical way for you to achieve your best hopes going forward. Some people find telling their story is part of the healing process and that’s great, but it’s not essential. Focusing on solutions rather than problems is a quicker, less painful method of managing life’s challenges. HypnoTHERAPY My particular modality is of course Hypnotherapy, and many clients are more focused on the hypno than the therapy when they arrive! They think I can offer a ‘magic bullet’ to whatever challenges they’re facing, or worry that I will suddenly don a panto turban, make my eyes go googly and force them to murder the Prime Minister of Malaysia (hi, Zoolander fans!), or reveal dark secrets about themselves (Hypnotherapy networking groups were all full of rolling eye emojis at the latest series of the otherwise excellent ‘Suspect’ hinging on a ridiculous revelation in ‘hypnosis’), or any number of other worries about loss of control. Don't worry, it's all cobblers. Well, here’s the real shocker: I don’t do anything to you with hypnosis, I don’t even put you into hypnosis. I facilitate you drifting into a relaxed state of hyper focus rather similar to those moments when you’re ‘miles away’ reading a book, walking somewhere familiar, or noodling on the piano. In that state, your rational brain can enjoy drifting along to the stories I tell you, the ‘fight or flight’ part of your brain can be lulled into a state of deep ease, and your subconscious can go to work picking out the relevant parts of the metaphor-laden tales I tell, free of self-critical or self-limiting thoughts. And those sought-after magic bullets? Well yes, if you want to stop eating chocolate cake I can make it taste like fag ash – but if the routines and attitudes that formed the habit don’t change, that approach will last a couple of weeks before all the usual stresses start to pile in again. What I offer is an opportunity to reassess life holistically in the therapy part of the session, so you feel more in control generally. Before you get in my magic chair you’ll have half an hour exploring your best hopes in a solution-focused way. Making choices that suit your lifestyle then become part of feeling better overall, rather than the sole focus, and if you’re feeling better overall, what other positive changes might you make? Why limit your wellbeing?! What next? I hope you now have a better idea of what therapy is, and isn’t. If you’re thinking it might be time to make contact, the next step is to find the modality that suits you best, and then find a therapist you can work with. Making sure they’re fully trained and members of the appropriate professional bodies is essential, of course, but you can have all the certificates and still suck if you’ve not seen enough of life. Invest in yourself by doing a bit of research and maybe contacting a few possibles, to find out who would fit alongside best. A good working rapport is the most important part of therapy, whichever modality you choose. Good luck! Check out more Wellbeing Tips for hints on how to feel better now. Check out Snippets and FAQs for more information on Solution Focused Hypnotherapy. Contact me for help and support. |